Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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