I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
