Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
