the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
