dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
