I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So many bounce houses so little time
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
