So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
