we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
