good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
how does that bad decision feel?
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