My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
