so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
