I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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