70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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