just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you inspire me to be a worse person
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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