I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
