I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
