at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We are two peas in an std pod
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
