seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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