new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
