somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize