I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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