I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
They took my balls.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
