This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
