Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
