My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
