i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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