she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
