the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
