You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
