We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
