I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
