So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
