i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
