My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
