When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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