glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
