Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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