dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
