Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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