just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
