Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
