I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
