This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
