my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
