I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
