it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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