So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You are the jesus of drinking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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