Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
