he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
