take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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