Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sext me about skeletons
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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